


All Is Full Of Love

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: One Shot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-20
Updated: 2005-12-20
Packaged: 2019-01-19 21:47:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12418836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: 'I’ll just be plain old Lily Evans again, one of those girls who gave her heart away to a boy for one night only to realise his heart was never meant for you and that you will not be the one.'





	All Is Full Of Love

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

****

All Is Full Of Love

_You'll be given love_  
You'll be taken care of  
You'll be given love  
You have to trust it  
Maybe not from the sources  
You've poured yours  
into  
Maybe not  
From the directions  
You are  
Staring at  
Twist your head around  
it's all around you  
All is full of love  
All around you  
All is full of love  
You just ain't receiving  
All is full of love  
Your phone is off the hook  
All is full of love  
Your doors are all shut  
All is full of love

_All if Full of Love, Death Cab for Cutie._

Some people would call me obssessed. I would be just another one of those girls with no personality who belong to the club. I would be known for all the wrong reasons, I wouldn’t be heard I would be seen, I would be used for one night and then thrown away the next morning. I’ve never wanted to be like that- which is why no-one knows. Everybody thinks I hate him and I even tell myself that just so I would get over this stupid crush and never feel like one day I’m going to fall for his charms and then his chase would be over and I would be tossed aside watching him chase after the next first girl who says no to him for the same reasons I said no. I couldn’t let that happen and I wouldn’t let it happen. I would keep saying no until I finished Hogwarts and then I could forget about him completely. You know sometimes he gives me little looks as if to say that he knows what I really think about him. I always ignore them of course, pretend like I don’t realise what he’s doing because they make me so uncomfortable- that’s probably the reason why he looks at me like that, because he knows I don’t like it. I can never figure him out. Sometimes when he talks to me it sounds so genuine and real and I feel like I’m not just one of those girls and that maybe, just maybe, he is interested in me and what I’m really like and that he will listen to what I have to say and not just use me. Other times I see a girl kiss him on the lips and leave his dorm and the next day he pretends he doesn’t know her and proceeds to ask me out and I can see her behind him and she’s heartbroken and I’m thinking _That could’ve been me_.   
So I say no.   
And I’ll say no again and again and again until he stops or until I stop to have these feelings for him, however small they may be. My best friend, Arrabella Figg, told me I should just say yes already and that then he will stop. I can’t say yes. That would destroy me. If I say yes, I’m not sure then if I would be able to stop saying yes. I will keep going, twisting around in this whirpool of colours that are my feelings for James Potter, and then he’ll drop me and I’ll stop twirling and my world will be grey and black and blue and I’ll just be plain old Lily Evans again, one of those girls who gave her heart away to a boy for one night only to realise his heart was never meant for you and that you will not be the one. Or it could be that I am the one and that I won’t be used for one night and that he does have true, authentic feelings for me and that he would…love me. I couldn’t have that happen either. I fear love above all other feelings in the world, because it is love that has the power to destroy you most. The more you love, the more you have to lose, and everybody that I’ve ever loved in my life has been murdered. It’s too dangerous to love in this world. At least for now. I sigh and I see it in the air escaping like fog from my lips because it’s so cold, it is freezing and I’m outside by the lake and I’m getting drenched because it’s raining. And I don’t mind. I tilt my face upwards and let the rain wash away all of my worries, all of my thoughts, everything I carry on my shoulders. It mixes with the hot, hot tears on my face and makes me smile. I didn’t hear the footsteps of somebody approaching behind me. I should’ve so then I could have prepared myself for him. I don’t like to be surprised, especially when it’s him. 

“Evans?”� he says. “W-what are you doing out here?”� surprised. He sounds surprised. Did he come out here to be alone? Like me? In the rain? I turned…surprised. 

“I-I’m…”� what _was_ I doing out here? Getting in touch with nature? Inspecting the giant squid? “I was just thinking…”� 

“Oh.”� He says. Then a silence follows. I turn back to stare at the lake and to hide my burning cheeks. Silence. You could hear the leaves rustling, the students inside the castle. I could even hear him breathing and I wondered why he hadn’t left yet. He should leave. I should leave. This is not good for me. 

“What are you thinking about?”� he asks suddenly and when I turn my head around to look at him once more, he isn’t there. He is sitting next to me and I thought _If I die right now, I will die happy_. I’ve never had him sit next to me before. Usually we keep our distance and that is for the best. He shouldn’t be so close to me now. 

“Lily?”� he waves a hand in front of my face and I realise I was staring…at him. 

“What?”� I snap out of it. I couldn’t think. It was like my brain left me and the only thing working correctly right now was my heart. Thuddump, thuddump, thuddump….fast. 

“I asked, what are you thinking about?”� You. I was thinking about you and how maybe I can’t hold off my feelings for you any longer. So don’t talk to me. Don’t even look at me. “Uh… I was just, you know…life.”� Well done. He smiles and my mouth nearly dropped open. He just smiled…at me. He has never done that before. Well I mean he has smiled in my direction before but it was a I-know-you-want-me kind of smile not the one he just used now. One that wasn’t cocky and used for evil. 

“Yeah…”�he sighes. What am I doing? I should be making up exuses and I should get the hell out of here. “Life is… trully something…”� Okay. I don’t care. I just want to go now. I gotta get away. I have to be a million miles away from you and your damn dizzy eyes. I’m not supposed to be noticing how they aren’t dirt brown, but a mix of gold, green, blue, brown, grey and…purple? How is that even possible? It’s not. I’m just making up things now, my vision is clouded and I can’t see anything, not even a thing, except for him and those cute little dimples he gets in his cheeks when he smiles. Why am I not cold anymore? Why is he getting closer? Why aren’t I getting away? Why do I want to stay? Snap out of it Lily! 

But I can’t. I’m not sure I want to. What if everything turns out alright in the end? What if I’ve just been stupid all of these years? 

Why is he looking at me as if he can see right through my clothes? I just want to hide, run away, scream, laugh, cry, but I can’t. Because I see him, leaning in, and it’s just a little too late that I realise what he’s about to do. Just a little too late at pulling away. I was just a little too late to stop him. So I let him. It was like…no kiss I’ve ever felt before. I felt like I was falling, melting, twisting and turning, living a dream. His lips were soft and warm and I was definatelly not cold now. I was enjoying this. I couldn’t focus, I had no idea what I was doing, whether I was doing the right thing, whether he felt what I felt and does it mean as much to him as it does to me? How could I even think at a time like this, when he was doing that. I had dreams about this, and let me tell you, the real thing is…SO much better. I can’t even describe all the emotions that are running through me right now. And just as soon as it had started it had ended. It was a kiss that lasted no longer than fifteen seconds but to me it felt like all eternity. I couldn’t make out what he felt; his eyes were a mix of everything. I felt…giddy. Everything was coloured, it was never raining and all is full of love.


End file.
